Day 28

I am wondering what it would feel like
to know God the way you seem to.

I have never been that sure of anything,
and I don't know if I ever will be
so I guess maybe I'm jealous of you
Because I would love to
know the answers to the
unanswerables.
I would like to feel that sure
about the intentions inside
my own pumping heart.

I didn't used to believe in nothing.
I used to feel sure the
way you do every Sunday,
but life changed and
my logic sharpened.
I became unable to believe in bigger things
and higher powers.

Most days,
I'm lucky if I believe in
the wind or myself.
Most days
I can't even stop long enough to
breathe the air that is
forced into my lungs
like a heartbeat that clutches me
in a throat-hold.

I want to  believe in the
sun or angels or
life after death.
I would love to believe in God
but I don't because I can't or I won't.
(that line has become blurred right now)
Like the atmosphere that is disintegrating
-a literal separation between heaven and hell.

It would be easier to get through loss and death
and broken hearts
if I believed in a greater plan.
It would be easier to love Jesus,
but I can't or I won't
(I'm not sure anymore)
and I'm not sure I'm capable of going back anymore.

I'm not sure I'm able to believe in angels or
heaven or deities.
I'm not sure I'm able to believe.